The Day Breaks Apart in Our Hands
by irelandrain74
Summary: Post episode 26, Hell Night, Logan wants to work things out with Julian - but that's proving difficult when Julian won't even acknowledge his presence. Angsty Jogan one-shot. Set in the incomparable CP Coulter's Daltonverse.


**A/N: My muse is untameable and has decided Jogan angst is high on the list of priorities. Thank you so so much for reading, and I'll be more than forever grateful if you'll let me know what you think and review! Much love!**

When he can walk without feeling like he's going to fall, Logan starts wandering the hospital halls. He checks on everyone, never staying, many times never even speaking, just making sure, over and over, that those who remain are still there, that they haven't disappeared over night. He gazes in at the Twins, wrapped tightly together in sleep, sometimes crying out the other's name in the throes of a nightmare that was almost a reality forever. He brings cups of coffee to Derek's room and talks with him until they're cold. He even glances into the room Kurt is sharing with Blaine, but he only does that once – something about seeing them, talking softly, holding hands across the space between their beds – is just too painful.

He sits with Julian the way he doesn't with anyone else, for all the good it does him. The actor never cracks an eye while Logan talks to him. Julian's not unconscious - not even asleep, Logan knows he isn't, can tell from the twitching in his eyelids. He's just refusing to acknowledge Logan. And for the first two days Logan just sits with him, murmuring the empty things that come to his mind and watching the reassuring rise and fall of the brunet's chest.

It's that third day that Logan strides into the room, sits down at the bedside, and, when Julian's eyes remain firmly closed in response to his "morning, Jules," grabs the long, limp hand dangling over the side of the bed.

Julian's eyes fly open for just a second in shock, but he abruptly squeezes them shut again when they meet Logan's.

"Julian," Logan sighs.

The brunet doesn't respond, so Logan squeezes his hand, hard, circling his thumb across Julian's palm. He watches as Julian's eyelashes flutter and his breath speeds, so subtly Logan probably wouldn't have caught it if he hadn't spent the past two days listening to him breathe.

"Please," he mutters. "Please, Jules, just talk to me."

Silence, broken only by the low rattle of a cart in the hall outside.

"I'm so sorry I didn't know, Julian." Logan lets the words hang in the air for several minutes, still rubbing Julian's palm, almost as much to comfort himself as to keep Julian's attention. He sighs, so harshly it's almost a growl. "I _should _have known. Lord, I'm so stupid. I _should have known."_

Logan's face is buried in his unoccupied hand, so he's shocked when the boy beside him croaks "Leave me alone."

"What?" he hisses.

"Just leave me alone." The brunet's eyes are fiery, warm, like chocolate left too long in the melting bowl and – Logan didn't realize how much he'd missed seeing them. Julian's voice is hoarse – from smoke inhalation, disuse, or otherwise, Logan isn't sure – and he coughs before he grates out the words again, more sad than acidic this time. "Leave me alone, Logan."

"No."

There's a mild spasm of surprise across Julian's face, but he slaps his apathy back into place. "Please leave."

"No." Logan squeezes his hand again, appreciating the actor's sharp inhale. "I'm not the one that leaves, remember?"

Julian smiles sadly. "No, you're not, you stubborn ass."

"I'm sorry," Logan mutters again, suddenly shy and staring down at their joined hands now that Julian's talking.

It's Logan's turn to be shocked when Julian squeezes his hand back. "Please, just – don't. Just don't."

"But –"

Julian coughs again, wincing, and when he's finished his voice is closer to normal. "This is hard enough as it is. Don't make it harder. I said I wanted to forget it ever happened, let's forget it ever happened."

"But I can't!" Logan bites his lip self-consciously, his outburst loud enough to echo off the sterile walls. "I can't pretend I never heard anything, Julian."

"_Try,_" Julian hisses.

"I don't _want_ to pretend it never happened!"

"And it's always about what you want, isn't it, Logan?"

The blond's face falls at that. "Look, I know I've screwed up, I know. If I had ever had the slightest inkling that you – "

"But you didn't."

There's a long moment, nothing but staring and breathing.

"I want a chance," Logan says at last.

"You don't get to ask for one," Julian says, shaking his head.

Logan pulls his hand away from Julian's, curling it into a fist so tight it's painful, biting at his lip as he looks up at the ceiling, grasping for courage.

"Jules, I love you."

Julian smiles again, a smile so much sadder than tears. It breaks something in Logan he didn't know was there anymore. "You love the idea of me," the actor says. "You love that after all this time of loving someone who wouldn't love you back, you've found someone who felt the same about you."

"Julian –"

"Except I did it for three years, Logan. Three damn years. And you _never even suspected!_" The brunet barks out a hysterical laugh. "So please. Don't lie to me. You owe me that much, at least."

Logan concentrates on not screaming for a minute. He beats down all the things he wants to say – ("You told us you were STRAIGHT! You were fooling around with your coworkers! You were disinterested, dismissive, disenchanted Julian Larson, how the hell was I supposed to know you were in love with me?") – and shakes as he forces out the right words. "I want to learn. I want to do everything I should have done all along. Just let me learn."

"I don't want you," Julian lies.

And when Logan stands up and walks out of his hospital room, Julian congratulates himself on his acting skill.

* * *

><p>Later that night Julian dreams that Logan brushes his bangs back to ghost his lips over his forehead, and whispers "I love you," against the shell of his ear. He's torn between elation and overwhelming sadness until dream Logan says, "I'm really here, and I'm not giving up."<p>

By the time Julian gets his eyes open, all he sees is a glimpse of a tall shadow disappearing into the hall.


End file.
